Pepe

I have been to see a therapist with Pepe last night, as his fear of children and noise became worse. It was an interesting experience.
Pepe is in 'nursery' every day from 8-5, and then we go for a walk around 6pm for another hour or so. This is one of the things, I have to change, as one of the root cause for his behaviour is that he is tired and less patient. So he will not go to nursery every day to allow him proper relax time. When he does go, our evening walks will be shorter.
The other 'issue' is that he cannot feel that I can resolve issues - things that issues for him - and he wants to control them. This will be a longer period to resolve, and I will need to build our relationship again. As a start, I have to make him 'work' for food. It sounds worse then it it, however it is hard work. This simply means that he will get fed during the walks and not at home. This will make him realize that I set the rules and he needs to obey. I guess this will be harder for me then for him, as it means no treats at home.
What I was also told that he is very clever and he knows this! So he is using it to manipulate both me and Bia (his 'nanny'), so another area I need to watch out for.
We go again next week, hopefully it will not be a too long of a period when life can go back to normal, however some things will need to remain - like time in nursery...

2013

A year has passed since I have lost written anything. A lot of things have happened. The most important is that now I have a dog. Adopted him last summer, so we are together for nearly a year. He is a bit more than 1 yr now, but that is still puppy time for doggies. :)
I have also started and finished a financial course, so now I can work as an accountant. It was hard work, as I am not that interested about accounting, but proved that I can still do it if I spend enough time on it.
I will try to keep this more up to date, let's see if I can do it.

Expectations...

I have been to massage done by an old friend. This was the 1st time I have gone to him, and was a bit nervous when we arranged it. My nervousness had several reasons, 1st is I am always nervous when I go to a new place, as I don't know whether I will like the person or not and how the treatment will be, I assume most of us feel the same way. Another reason I was nervous about is that I have never had massage by a friend (except my boyfriends, but that is different :)).
Anyhow I got there, got on the massage chair and all was good, he was doing a great job on my back - which is stiff all the time, so it was rather a painful experience, but it worth it at the end.
I asked him to tell me what happened to him since we met last, so he started to tell me things. At 1 point he told me he will complain about a friend of his, because he is so disappointed, so I told him to go ahead, I have all the time in the world and that is why friends are for. As I was listening, I found it funny and interesting. He told me that this friend doesn't call him - not even if they agreed that they will meet at a later time - to ask how he was etc...and I realized that he does the same thing. He says he is my friend, but he never calls me to ask how I am and we only meet if I arrange it (unless I go to his concert).
So it is all about expectations. When something is important for us, but we need others to help us achieve it, we always feel that everyone should feel the importance of that one specific meeting, occasion and we expect our friends to support us in every possible way. But in the meantime we forget that there might be other things which take priority in our freinds' lives and they might forget to call / text us and maybe they even cancel our meeting.
So I wonder what my friend would say if I would tell him that it makes me sad that he doesn't return my calls and he doesn't send me the date for my next massage. It is important for me, he could help me, still he is not doing it - or not in the timeline I expect.....

another one

well this is rare, 2 notes after each other, but hey ho :) I had dinner with an old colleague tonight (in TR), who no longer works with me, but we shared some good times in the past, I would even say we are close to be friends. We have not met for several months but still it was easy to 'continue' where we left it when he left the company. It is very interesting that he was reminding me of some things I told him a year ago, about being a grown up and what a sheltered life he has. Now nearly a year later, he is planning his wedding and his future life without expecting help from his family. Sometimes I am so surprised how 'wise' I can be without realizing it. :D

Just a note

I have not written to this blog again for a very long time... lots of things happened but there is no point listing them all. Some good things, 1 friend of mine became a father last summer and I am really happy for him. Another friend of mine is expecting her second child, one of my friend got married and I bought my own flat and already moved in.

I also met an old friend whom I have not seen at least 5 years. I did think about him occasionally but never really tried to find him. Then last September someone reminded me of him and told me he is on FB, so I tracked him down and we became FB 'friends'. He has written me messages - randomly - and as he is a guy, he didn't bother replying to all my replies. :) First I was annoyed then I realized what a fool I am and decided that I will try to be patient. I will be honest I was checking my FB account everyday to see if he has written and was disappointed that he didn't. Then got invited to a concert where we finally met, though only for 5 mins (he was the signer :)) and again, he told me he will get in touch - which he didn't for a week. So I decided I try his old number, and believe it or not, it is still working, so we did talk and agreed to meet. Again, I was pessimistic as always, and was waiting for him to cancel it. He did change the time once, but then he did call as he promised and we did meet. And it just made my day. Have you ever realized that some people are missing from your life without you even noticing it? This guy was there for me when I broke up with my boyfriend hundreds of times, and I never really appreciated it. Until now. I guess you need to age to understand the value of friends, and it doesn't matter if they don't call you every day, they don't send you messages because when you really need them, they are there. So I will try to be a good friend, not to be too demanding and accept whatever he's giving me and I hope I will not loose him again.

Why do we always want more....

Feelings and needs are interesting and funny things. It is a human thing that we always want more. It starts when we are kids, we see that someone else has a brighter bike, so we want a bright want too. It doesn't matter, not for 1 second, that a brighter bike will not go faster, will not take us different routes, but still.....And this is just getting worse as we are getting older and we see more of the world. The saying is very true that money cannot make you happy, and we say it is true, but still keep on buying things to fill our needs for happiness.

We are living in a rushing world, where people do not have time to talk to each other. We send emails, we chat but we very rarely spend time with our loved ones, when all we do, is concentrate on them. Someone once told me that love is when you can be silent with someone, and just by being with each other, walking together you tell everything. It is so true. We can tell someone that we love them, we miss them and we care about them, if everything we do, says the opposite.

I know that men and women see it different, women are more emotional, and they want to hear things, but I also know that one of the reason for this, is that they can't feel it sometimes, and they need that small thing, the power of spoken words as a security, that they are loved, missed and cared about. And if we are not told and we cannot feel it either, then we just panic. So we will be asking questions, complain about everything and the whole situation can get worse, as we will not be satisfied with the answer because deep inside, we want the other person to make us feel that way.

So is there a way out of this? Possibly. Would it be easy to find? Definitely not. We can try to accept what ever is given to us and not to think about all the 'if'-s, because those will just make us feel down.

Reading what I have written made me think, what was the real purpose of this little piece of work. I am unhappy at the moment, that is for sure. I know the reason and I know that I possibly over reacting some things and maybe I should just give it a little time. But that is the hardest thing to do. And you know why, because I am made of woman who wants to be loved, missed and cared about. I want to feel it and I want to be told.

So if anyone feels this way, cheer up, there is a good in every bad, and everything has its reasons. One, definitely is to look into ourselves, be honest to ourselves and learn from our own mistakes. Because we are not perfect either.

To Love or not to Love

This is the never lasting question. When you are in love, you think that everything is fine and no bad thing can happen to any of you or between you. But suddenly something happens and the world isn't such a great place anymore.

Love is the most difficult thing as there are no clear rules. I had a relationship recently, I thought everything is going in the right direction, but then 1 day, it was all over. Without a word it has just ended. Since that day I keep thinking what was that one thing, which has driven us to the end, but still did not find any reason. We were different, had different background, are from different culture, but these things should make things more interesting, and not more difficult, or am I wrong?

Also my foolish heart cannot accept that it's over. I still check if he's online on chat, it's funny but it gives me a kind of security that I see him online, even if we don't speak. Though I know that the risk is there, that we will just start things all over again, and then I will be left broken hearted again.

So why do we do it? Why can't we learn from our own mistakes? Why can't we just delete someone from our heart forever?